Don’t Hold Your Breath…
So many thoughts…so much to say…I don’t know where to start honestly. You should totally pull up a chair while I heat up the tea kettle’s water. Let’s do a peach blend today. It’s so very relaxing, and who couldn’t use a little more relaxation these days? I know I’m not about to turn down a moment to talk and chill. This gives us some time to catch up.
Where do I begin my friend? Hmmm… Like every other year, I began the year 2020 excited about all the possibilities ahead. Here was a new 365 days. Here was a fresh start. The year smelled of fresh linen and lavender combined. My senses were on guard and my heart was open to receive the gift of another 12 months to get it in.
Things had already shifted for me my friend. I’d said yes to God, turned the page on one chapter of ministry exploits and I’d launched out into outreach ministry. I was in my zone planning towards all I’d do when my body would let me. My son was slowly advancing towards his goals post high school, and overall I was hopeful that what was ahead represented the exhale that I’d been waiting on.
Not so…
Just as I started slowly letting the air seep out of my lungs, the roller coaster ride began. Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t like roller coasters. Give me a carousel or a golf-cart tour. I need something predictable and safe. Anyway, it seemed like the air in my lungs was trapped and I started holding my breath anxiously waiting for the ride to be over—but it never stopped. Sips tea… Can you imagine being on a never ending roller coaster? Yikes!
Death started creeping into some of my most meaningful relationships. Grief was squeezing my diaphragm and cutting off my air supply in ways that I struggled to even verbalize. Then, the pandemic sprung up and the grief just kept coming. So much loss… too many to name… So many changes and adjustments…too many to number.
Grief didn’t come alone. It came accompanied by it’s trusty companion, anxiety. Every move now calculated, I did my best to remember and to engage all the safety protocols; but I wasn’t breathing friend. I was always in expectation that something was about to happen. I was being driven by fear and was incessantly manipulated by the effects of figurative lightheadedness that can occur when one is sleepless, anxious, and worried.
As I sit here with you my friend, sipping this tea and rocking in my favorite chair. I can recall not being able to access comfort. For as much as I was usually able to find solace in times of stress, this was new and had grown to be a formidable force that I battled everyday. The anxiety-grief-fear snowball laughed in the face of my normal go-to rescue list. Literally, nothing external worked. Taking walks ceased to help. Writing offered me minimal success. My essential oils, candles, bath bombs and epsom salts worked only short term. Oh and don’t talk about all the gum I chewed just trying to interrupt the cycle of thoughts that looped around my throat always choking out my opportunity to exhale!
Every time BJ left the house to go to school I held my breath playing out scenario after scenario in my subconscious after having seen the video of George Floyd one too many times.
Every time the alarm announced his arrival back home— “laundry door” —I held my breath finding the air trapped because I knew in just a few short hours he’d be back outside the house again.
Every time my alarm alerted me that it was time to go to work after having been up most of the night tossing and turning, I held my breath hoping I’d make it through the day without anxiety’s racing heartbeat and irrational thoughts.
Every time I had to have a conversation with someone not of my household, I held my breath with two masks on hoping that I’d done enough to ensure that I was safe, and that I was keeping my family members safe.
Every time allergies caused me to sniffle…every time I stifled a cough for fear that a symptom was presenting itself I held my breath trying to decide if I needed a Zyrtec or a Covid test.
Every time something needed to be fixed in the house, or I had to talk to the mailman, or I ordered take-out, or I had to be physically present for something I would rather have done on Zoom, I held my breath and counted 14 days with an accompanying chart.
Can I refresh your tea?
I know this all probably sounds crazy; but I am unafraid to give voice to what I’ve been internalizing in this season because maybe, just maybe, the truth of my experiences may let you know that you are not alone. Sips tea… If any of this sounds familiar, let me be the first to say that I know just what you’re going through.
It has taken me several months and a whole lot of patience with myself to reintroduce myself to my job, to the post office, and to the fruit stand. I’m taking baby steps in safe ways to exhale. I still haven’t been inside of a grocery store nor have I gone out to dine in a restaurant; but, I am learning to navigate through life right now by slowing exhaling.
So I encourage you…
Don’t hold your breath expecting this world crisis to reverse tomorrow. Although God is able to flip the script if He so desires and although our confidence should be in Him, if everything returned to what we call “normal” there will still be lasting ramifications to charter through. Don’t wait for everything to right itself in order to live. The situation may not change; but you can totally engage change in yourself so that your responses to our current situation will be fruitful.
Don’t hold your breath waiting for the governmental shift we anticipate in November to right everything that is wrong. Even if new leaders enter terms of authority, so much damage has been done that it will take time to unravel the systematic undermining of our democracy, our values and our polarized views. Breathe now and lock in tight for the work that lies ahead.
Don’t hold your breath waiting for life to agree with your vision. Breathe now. Speak life and be patient with yourself as you have been so many times with others. Give yourself a little more grace when you’re not performing optimally because this is not easy. Be kind to yourself. Be aware of yourself. And, when you need a minute to reset, grant yourself the space to do so.
Don’t hold your breath my friend. Breathe. Let yourself be refreshed as you inhale deeply and exhale slowly. Give your mind, your heart and your vision the breath it needs to fly.
